My Dad

I read something yesterday that a woman wrote about her Dad.  She was writing about how it felt when he hugged her - the smell of the hug.  The Old Spice, the starch of the shirt.  I sat and read that and was instantly crying.  She wrote how she doubts she's been properly hugged since he passed away.  I am a complete emotional rag-doll when it comes to my Dad.  Anything Dad related and I am a mixture of pride, joy, sentiment and fear.  Fear of the day he will no longer be in this world with me.  I have lived with this fear for decades. I have imagined the moment...then I am so terrified by that image that I shake it off in hopes that that day will never come.  So instead of worrying about that today, I thought I'd write a little bit about my Dad.
My Dad is The King.  When he would write us notes when we were kids, he'd sign "The King" and underneath he drew a crown.  He WAS the King.  To me, the greatest joy of my day would come at 5:00 - the moment my Dad got home.  I would sometimes wait at our front door watching for him to pull up.  I'd run out to meet him, take his work clothes and hopefully get a Charleston Chew or Marathon bar. My Dad worked really hard and we all knew it.  He was a "steelworker" and I was "the daughter of steelworker" and I knew he meant we were tough.  I hated when my Dad had to go to work.  I can remember sitting on his lap asking why he had go and he'd say "I have to go to work to buy you a sandbox". Reluctantly, I'd let him go.
I never wanted to upset my Dad.  That remains true today.  I have done a million things in my life in the spirit of making my Dad happy....silly things and meaningful things.  He hated corner booths so when we would go out to dinner, to the quintessential Greek diner Prime Minister, I'd run ahead to tell the hostess "no booth".  I know it seems weird and people might wonder if we did get a corner booth what would happen.  It's not like he yelled or went crazy, it just wasn't what he wanted and I only wanted to see him get what he wanted. 
I also never wanted to disappoint him - which is probably impossible to accomplish especially during those teen years.  I would beg my mom please don't tell Dad. Unfair, but true. One time while I was in high school, my brother and I were locked out of the house and we had to wait outside for my Dad to get home.  He finally got home and I was so hungry so I started making something to eat and he asked me to unload the dishwasher.  I was so mad that I did it but I made sure he knew I was mad by slamming silverware etc.  He walked over to me and calmy said "get out of my kitchen".  I crumbled.  I was devastated.  I bawled and sobbed and put myself in solitary confinement.  I literally had to take the next day off school b/c I was so devastated that my Dad was clearly so upset by my behavior.  To this day, I can't remember any other time he was cross with me.
Every time I am with my Dad, I just want to sit with him and listen to him tell me great stories like about when he was a kid and he got lost going home from school for lunch even though he only lived 2 blocks away so when he made it back to school he got lunch in the teacher's lounge.  That same school provided dental care and the kids could take naps in the afternoon.  Or I love when we get to talk politics and sports and books.  He makes me laugh every time.
I could write a book of fun stories..things that only Peter Sanders would say or think.  I could write about how I have always felt special in my Dad's eyes.  I could write how he used to say to me, "I've spoiled your for all men" and we'd laugh and laugh.  I could write about how he'd drive me to "the rink" and to ballet and back and forth 10 plus hours to college. I could write how I'm not alone...anyone who knows my Dad feels the very same way I do!  But...let's end here...
My Dad will be 80 in October.  He's a great man who worked so hard for his family.  He's brighter than most people I know.  He's charming and funny and quick witted. I adore him for no specific reason which is the best reason.  I adore him because I never felt more a part of anyone else in my life...  I have said and felt that "I'm just like my Dad" a thousand times.  Who knows if I am or if I just want to be!

Don't Envision - Just Arrive

I really do remember thinking I would be a great parent to teenagers.  I really thought I could easily remember the emotions of that age and therefore, could nail this parenting thing during these years.  I mean, this is right in my wheelhouse - open dialogue, empathy, support !  I just remember thinking I'd be better at this than I was at the creative/playful stages of parenting.  So here we go I guess....let's see if I can walk the walk.


Here's something that I never considered.  What if my child doesn't want open dialogue?  Hmmm?  I mean I certainly didn't want open dialogue w/ my mother that's for sure.  BUT I thought I'd be a cooler hipper version of my mom and who wouldn't want to break down life's details with this kick ass made-for-TV mother?  So here I am readjusting....again.  I must find the balance of being open without being TOO much for my fairly emotionally reserved child.  How can I be there, get the scoop, counsel and advise if I don't know anything?  Maybe there's nothing to know.  Maybe I'm not quite needed yet.  Maybe I AM too curious/worried about the interactions of today's tween with the world.  Maybe I should just let go a little bit....  HOLY SHIT...letting go has never been one of my strong suits.


So I have this tween who is the most tired human alive.  To be fair, she's mostly pleasant and only possesses about a third of the obnoxiousness that her mother exhibited in 6th grade.  So I'm so happy about that.  At the core we have ZERO problems - just the typical argumentative crap and occasional manipulation.  I can live with that.  I just need to change my vision.  I envisioned that she would come home and from school and say "I felt so insecure today and I don't know what to do?" or "I'm having this problem with a friend and I don't know what to do".  MAMA TO THE RESCUE.  Here's the great news - I DO know what to do.  I held onto those memories and lessons for a reason - for this very moment  - to pass down my wisdom- to save my kids from any and all pain!!  However, it appears that's not how my 12 year old rolls.  No pouring-her-heart-out to me moments.  I just have to change my vision again bc to be honest, I never considered the other person in that little movie I made for myself.  I never considered that she wouldn't just gobble up my vast knowledge and understanding of being 12.  WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST PLAY ALONG DAMMIT.  The lesson here is that in these visions, that have messed w/ me since I became a parent, are the real problem - they set us up.  I picture myself a certain way, I picture the kids a certain way.  THAT needs to stop.  I need to just NOT envision and instead just arrive to the moment open to all the players.  Not easy - but this is what I've learned in the last 12 hours.  Learning...adjusting....learning...adjusting.....

Domestic Unbliss

Every one once in a while domestic bliss escapes me and I'm left with a big dose of the so-sick-of-laundry-and-cooking doldrums I could puke.  I can go months of culinary inspiration despite the moans and groans of the kids.   Then one day, I can't do it anymore.  I can't create menus for the week.  I can't shop.  I can't cook.  I can't even answer the question "what's for dinner?".  It's like any job I guess - burn out.  Doesn't mean I don't love these cherubs who's never ending need to be fed doesn't go away - but I certainly get SO SICK of the song and dance.  This cycle includes almost all things domestic.  I could feel it coming on big time in the last few weeks.  I could feel the melt down.  The aggravation that I JUST swept yesterday but the floor is already dusty.  The defeated feelings when clothes I washed and folded last weekend still sit in baskets in their room and it's time to do laundry again.  ENOUGH.  I can no longer walk into a bathroom I just bleached and, yet, STILL smell pee from my son hiding somewhere in the crevices of the floor or wall or toilet - who the hell knows. I can't make a meal that only 2 or 3 of us eat.  I can't field questions about ingredients and if they like it or if they've had it before or if I think they'll like it this time or what's really for dinner. I just loose all umph for it all.

When this has happened in the past, I can't even imagine there will be a day to come when I feel like cooking.  I don't know how I will ever make a bed or empty a dishwasher again. And tackling big jobs like changing sheets and organizing closets seem completely out of the question.  Will never happen.  This goose is cooked.  Done.  But somehow, someway, I rally.  Just like all moms.  We dig deep, get over ourselves and get back to business.  Because while I pout and blah around the house, it's clear that it doesn't really make a big difference. It's not like people are walking up to me worried or concerned about my clear descent into the domestic blahs. No one's pouring me wine, drawing a bath or writing me encouraging love notes. It's not like they clue in and then say "OMG  - I bet she's aggravated that our rooms are disasters!  Let's go clean up!". It's pretty clear that the only person who really wants healthy meals, fresh clothes and a clean house is me anyway.  Rob Nicoll  cares and he certainly can rally but apparently he does have a full time job he needs to attend to.  I'm guessing he doesn't love doing both his paying job and then the domestic tasks here while I lay under a heating blanket and watch 3 hours of Snapped on Oxygen.  But once in a while, Mama needs to shut it down.

Maybe it's more than just the domestic responsibilities.  Maybe it's just when everything becomes too much - the domestic stuff is the first to go.  My hope is that tomorrow I will wake up rejuvenated and ready to get back in the game. But maybe tonight, in preparation for my anticipated rally, I will pour myself a glass of wine, draw my own bubble bath and write myself a note that says "you really do kick ass even though you didn't today....".

The Adventures of Mariano's

I've never seen such an overwhelmingly successful venture as this grocery store that came to us 2 summers ago, Mariano's. In an economy when opening up a new business can certainly be challenging, Mariano's just must have known what they were doing. I mean, we all need groceries but we were all already buying groceries somewhere else. So what is it?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's part Happy Hour and part European vacation and part necessity. This all sounds a bit glamorized but the part about Happy Hour isn't far off - if you don't want to see someone you know or socialize DON'T GO TO MARIANO'S EVER. Something happened a few weeks ago that had never happened since they opened. I went to Mariano's and didn't see one single person I knew. Not one. Crazy since last Sunday I counted and I saw 8 people that I actually know enough to talk with....which is why you have to pad your shopping time for chatting. Okay - the European vacation part might be exaggerating the point but it does certainly offer some fun more exotic items like unbelievable cheeses, breads, pastries and LOVE the salad/soup bars. And there's the necessity part b/c you certainly can't live without milk, bread and in our case, frozen waffles.

Saying all this, it's still a grocery store. So the process can be laborious. There's still not a day that I don't love walking in there - smelling the orange juice, hearing the piano, wondering who's there. I'm optimistic that I can make this shopping trip efficient and focused. I am energetic and ready - despite having to have to park across the street and/or be waived in my police monitoring the traffic flow. Whatev - I am a tough girl. I am ready. Usually in the produce, I thrive - I know exactly where and what I need to do. Through the salad bar area, I weaken a bit - having already used up a lot of energy strategizing the veggies and my cart etc. The Deli - the deli is a real pivotal moment- this is gut check time people. You've got to dig deep and keep your cool. This past Sunday, I was #24 and they had just announced #80. I actually had to stand there and think about the math on this one....what? When? WHAT???? But alas, I always survive. However by the middle of the store, it can become tiring! (it's just like when we got new washer/dryer and I LOVED doing laundry ....for a while...and then one day, it was just laundry again!) That's about the time that nutrition and prices fall off your list of priorities. No longer can you give a shit if there are 7 grams or sugar 27 grams of sugar, put it in the damn cart and get the hell out of here. $4 or $5.99 - no one cares, get it - get out. By the milk section, I usually can barely concentrate. I am in a full blown talk-to-myself-out loud state of mind just to remain focused. I no longer make eye contract with people I know b/c I've got to get out of here!! And nothing less than pure panic can set in if you realize that you have to go back 3 aisles to get something you forgot, or worse - go back to produce!!!....A mere impossibility. And how in the hell am I going to get all of this crap in my car and then in my house and then in my cabinets. You know I actually drove around killing time once just to wait for Rob to get home and help me unload.

And just think, I start my grocery shopping with a spring in my step and I end it barely conscience. Maybe I should shop somewhere else. Somewhere not so crowded. Somewhere not so busy. Yea right! Mariano's might kick my ass from time to time but it also kicks the ass of every other grocery store out there.

Approaching 44..

In May, I will be 44. Holy shit - 44. I am still a girl. I still run around in a pony tail, listening to current music, cussing far more than I should and I still rap to my kids all day. Sometimes I am more 24 than I am 44. For the most part, I've been in good spirits in my 40's...give or take some shitty days, career ups and downs and challenging phases. Reflecting back on when the girls were born is both difficult because I don't remember a lot of it but also because it wasn't my best time in life. Which is sad. I wrestled with "mom identity" far more than I ever thought I would. I thought I was BORN to be a Mom and wife. The reality is that disappointing yourself is way harder than it sounds. I wished I enjoyed it more - had more fun, took it less seriously, wasn't as bored, and I definitely wish I was WAY less tense! Nonetheless, that's all way better and has been for years. I credit Mt. Prospect, friends, neighbors, prospective and experience for turning that around.

I learned a ton about myself in my 30's. Probably more than my 20's which was FULL of fun, boys and work. When I met Rob, I was 27 and I for sure knew what kind of guy I wanted to date. I knew for sure what kind of girl I was. I knew for sure what I was all about. I really thought I had this whole thing wrapped up. After we had Maeve, I could feel that 20 something girl go away and a whole new person come to light - a MOM. I spent my 30's becoming a Mom. I wish that today I could be a Mom Coach so I could say to new moms- IT'S OKAY. You can admit that watching an infant in a swing can be boring. That meeting other moms at the park can be painful. That nursing in public can be embarrassing. That mom and tot classes are more about you than the tot. That the involvement in family can be aggravating. That being sleep deprived makes you a totally different person. I would say don't be in such a rush to "grow up" and have more babies...take your time, be patient. I would say that loving your baby isn't the same thing as loving parenting. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! I would say GET GOOD FRIENDS IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD FIRST. All my good friends lived so far away. I longed to move back to Indy for years...to be with MY people. To feel CONNECTED. If you can feel CONNECTED you are HALF WAY THERE. I wish I could have realized these things.

One thing's for sure, I am glad that I now have the above perspective and experience. Finally in the last couple of years, acceptance. Ahhh, the sigh of relief - the acceptance of NOW who I am as just Julia AND as a mom. NOW I think I've got this thing wrapped up - at least for now. I feel healthier, I've read a lot, I have fun playing, I am thankful for so much, I have hobbies (or obsessions!) and I live a great life. I used to say that 28 was the best year of my life. But I think that 43 just kicked 28's ass.

Deep Thoughts from Peter Nicoll

Peter - "How does someone who passes away get in the stone at the cemetery?"

Me - "They don't. There is a box the body goes in and that box is buried in the ground and the stone is there just to tell us where the box is".

Peter - "I thought heaven was the sky."

Me - "It is. In that box is just the body, not their spirit."

Peter - "What's a spirit?"

Me - "Well it's the thing that makes you YOU. So see my hand how it's moving? That's just my body - that has nothing to do with my mind or my thoughts or my relationships. Weird huh?"

Peter "So, it's like they are passes away but they think they're not".

Me - "Exactly".

Peter - "When police officers are done working and go home, do they leave the lights on their station for the bad guys who are sleeping there?"

Me - "Well, when they home, new police officers come to work b/c the bad guys are there and they need to be ready".

Peter - "They need to be ready for more bad guys?"

Me - "Yep"

Peter - "Why can fireman sleep while they are work? On our field trip we saw they have beds".

Me - "Hmm? Well, I guess b/c they are guarding anything at their station? I'm not sure".

Peter - "I'd rather be a police officer even though I can't sleep at work".

Loosing weight and Real Estate in 2012

Two things I haven't written about in a long time...

Real Estate - Well what can I say. Tons of people ask me about real estate. 2011 has been rough on many accounts. Our role as Realtors is blurry and probably needs a tune up. We Realtors have been bred that we will do whatever it takes to get a deal done. But this philosophy can cause insanity - it can make you feel like you can never do enough or unless you sacrifice your own personal time/boundaries, you aren't doing a good enough job. I think it's like all sales....it's been tough to say "no", it's been tough to keep healthy boundaries and it's been tough to realize what the Realtor can do and what she can't. So in 2012, I will make decisions that are good for my business and for my family. I will chose clients that will bring me joy because they are excited and happy about the prospect of their future. I became a Realtor because I loved the house hunt. Sometimes I bet I enjoy it more than even the buyer. But this economy has created a mindset in buyers that has stripped some of the joy...where the house is just a commodity and not a home, the most important purchase of their lives. And its' not the most important purchase because of the money involved although that's certainly part of it but it's the most important because your home is the heartbeat of your life. My home gives so more than shelter...it gives me and my family a fabulous life. I value HOME. I value the soul of a home. When I am keying into a house with a young family, I am so excited for them - that THIS might be it - this might be the home you bring your babies home. It's tough for me when houses are seen as a dime a dozen. So....I learn, like we do with all professions, what makes me happy and how to work differently within the framework of our current economy. For me, the joy is #1. So this year, I will work for joy....I will understand that I can still be a good Realtor without selling my sanity and soul - two things I value very much!!!!

Loosing weight - Okay. Well for the first time in over a decade, I would say that I'm "in the zone" where I have been able to string together months of focus without being a lunatic. So of course, I ate salty, sugary and fattening food all through the Holidays and Disney World but what's different is in the past, I would have just said "screw it" and gone overboard. I would have indulged to ridiculous ends (like eating a tray of fudge) and I wouldn't be able to wake up the next day and say "that was okay, get back to focus". But for some insane reason, I finally can. It all started with the Grapefruit diet. Do I exercise? Of course not. That is still something that is SUCH a hurdle to me. Such an annoyance. I am still pissed that the world expects this vessel to exercise. GGGEEEESHHHH......can't a girl just give up sugar. But nooooo- not good enough. SO, in 2012 you may see me walking more....with my head phones and I will be singing bc if I'm going to walk, than at least I'm going to have to sing!